For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
