I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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