Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
