I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
