i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
