How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
