My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
