dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
