I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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