Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
