According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
