he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
