thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
