So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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