I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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