God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
her vagine was all disorganized.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Can Purell be used as lube?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
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