I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
