Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm jealous of your bromance
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
May the power of my ass compel you!!
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
