8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
