why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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