I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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