The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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