Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
