i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
