bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Someone shattered a urinal.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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