I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
