Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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