There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
