Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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