WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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