hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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