o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
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