He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I can't turn off my feet"
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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