I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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