i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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