It was confusing and full of hummus
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
