i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
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He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
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ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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