I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
