Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We got so high we made milksteak
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
