The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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