I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
