it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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