did you get engaged???
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
