I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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