I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
