She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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