it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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