Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
im on a boat
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