I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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