It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
