I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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