Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
