Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
