Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
