I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
