my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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