I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
