On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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