sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
