she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
