I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
