dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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